Check this out
I'm coming out of hiding to tell you about how I kicked my hangover in the teeth this morning:11:00 am
1 piece of burnt toast
1 cup of coffee with Kahlua12:00 pm
1 cup of chicken broth*1:00 pm
1 bowl of macaroni and tomato juice with SO MUCH salt and pepper (seriously, shut up about this until you try it, it's a family favorite)
1 glass of 7-UP
I feel like singing a spiritual.
*Marc had some chicken broth, too. He's feeling much better. Seriously, try the broth cure.
My mom is tired of this shit
Re: that crabass old guy at the Tim Hortons my mom frequents:
"I don't want to have to slap that old man into his grave."
"Doctor's office, this is Kathy."
"Hi, Kathy. I wondered if you help me track down my immunization records."
"Well...okay, but...YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO WAIT A MINUTE BECAUSE I'M IN THE MIDDLE OF SOMETHING ELSE."
Free advice: then don't pick up the f'ing phone, dick.
Rasheed Wallace has Komodo dragons?!?!??!?!?!?!
You might call this a breakdown in text communication.
Marc: shedd has komodos
Me: What? WHAT?
Marc: that's what mike told me
Me: i think there was a spelling error. did you say RASHEED WALLACE?
Me: YOU'RE NOT MAKING ANY SENSE
Marc: shedd aquarium
F those Komodo dragons, seriously.
I hate Komodo dragons and I want you to hate them, too. Here are some facts that will probably make you lose control of your bowels:
-they can grow to 6.5-10 feet and 150 pounds
-they can live as long as 50 years
-they are carnivores and will pretty much eat whatever they can get, but usually monkeys, wild boars, goats, deer, horses, and water buffalo
-they can see as far away as 985 feet
-they can smell prey 2.5-6 miles away
-these little bastards will routinely attack their prey, then go sun themselves for a while, then go back and finish the job
-they can eat up to 80% of their body weight in one sitting and survive on as little as 12 meals in one year
-they will dig up and eat human bodies from shallow graves
-their saliva is lethal because of all the sick shit they eat -- so even if, say, a deer gets away, it's still LIGHTS OUT in no time
-they are capable of parthenogenesis oh my god
-they can fly and read our minds
Not so bad, though, right? WRONG.
Story preview: those little shits bring a world of terror to the privates of one very unlucky water buffalo.
Bottom line is this: Komodo dragons are going to kill us all very soon. This is why I'm the founder of "People for the Extinction of Komodo Dragons" because you know what? I am not going to sit around while these things tear off testicles. I have to draw the line somewhere.
(So the best part of this story is that I started a Facebook group
for this and a bunch of high school kids from South Carolina joined. I love those kids. No way would I let a Komodo dragon go down their throats and eat them from the inside.)
StSaling just got paid.
My company is a Microsoft partner and I've received several lame-ass gifts in the past from them: clock/pen holder, pens, wireless mouse (FINE, that one was okay), t-shirts, bags. But they peaked today.
That's a real $20 bill. Hey, Microsoft, keep it coming, I have bills to pay. Actually, I'm kind of nervous to spend it. Maybe it isn't real. Maybe I'll get arrested when I use it to buy a burrito later tonight.
Can you handle this?
Look, I know you don't care, but can't you just let me tell you this right now?
On the medium level of Guitar Hero 3, I've gotten 100% on the following songs:
Talk Dirty to Me
Hit Me with Your Best Shot
Sunshine of Your Love
Bulls on Parade
When You Were Young
Welcome to the Jungle
3's and 7's
And yeah, I know this means I should move up a level, but f off. Can't you give me this ONE THING?