StSaling Rules

Check this out

2008-11-16T14:55:00.003-05:00

I'm coming out of hiding to tell you about how I kicked my hangover in the teeth this morning:

11:00 am
1 piece of burnt toast
1 cup of coffee with Kahlua

12:00 pm
1 cup of chicken broth*

1:00 pm
1 bowl of macaroni and tomato juice with SO MUCH salt and pepper (seriously, shut up about this until you try it, it's a family favorite)
1 glass of 7-UP

I feel like singing a spiritual.

*Marc had some chicken broth, too. He's feeling much better. Seriously, try the broth cure.

My mom is tired of this shit

2008-07-31T08:42:00.003-05:00

Re: that crabass old guy at the Tim Hortons my mom frequents:

"I don't want to have to slap that old man into his grave."

Pleasant

2008-07-15T13:40:00.001-05:00

"Doctor's office, this is Kathy."

"Hi, Kathy. I wondered if you help me track down my immunization records."

"Well...okay, but...YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO WAIT A MINUTE BECAUSE I'M IN THE MIDDLE OF SOMETHING ELSE."

Free advice: then don't pick up the f'ing phone, dick.

Rasheed Wallace has Komodo dragons?!?!??!?!?!?!

2008-06-27T16:06:00.003-05:00

You might call this a breakdown in text communication.

Marc: shedd has komodos

Me: What? WHAT?

Marc: that's what mike told me

Me: i think there was a spelling error. did you say RASHEED WALLACE?

Marc: mike

Me: YOU'RE NOT MAKING ANY SENSE

Marc: shedd aquarium

OH.

F those Komodo dragons, seriously.

2008-06-20T12:34:00.003-05:00

I hate Komodo dragons and I want you to hate them, too. Here are some facts that will probably make you lose control of your bowels:

-they can grow to 6.5-10 feet and 150 pounds
-they can live as long as 50 years
-they are carnivores and will pretty much eat whatever they can get, but usually monkeys, wild boars, goats, deer, horses, and water buffalo
-they can see as far away as 985 feet
-they can smell prey 2.5-6 miles away
-these little bastards will routinely attack their prey, then go sun themselves for a while, then go back and finish the job
-they can eat up to 80% of their body weight in one sitting and survive on as little as 12 meals in one year
-they will dig up and eat human bodies from shallow graves
-their saliva is lethal because of all the sick shit they eat -- so even if, say, a deer gets away, it's still LIGHTS OUT in no time
-they are capable of parthenogenesis oh my god
-they can fly and read our minds

Not so bad, though, right? WRONG. Story preview: those little shits bring a world of terror to the privates of one very unlucky water buffalo.

Bottom line is this: Komodo dragons are going to kill us all very soon. This is why I'm the founder of "People for the Extinction of Komodo Dragons" because you know what? I am not going to sit around while these things tear off testicles. I have to draw the line somewhere.

(So the best part of this story is that I started a Facebook group for this and a bunch of high school kids from South Carolina joined. I love those kids. No way would I let a Komodo dragon go down their throats and eat them from the inside.)

StSaling just got paid.

2008-06-17T21:00:00.001-05:00

My company is a Microsoft partner and I've received several lame-ass gifts in the past from them: clock/pen holder, pens, wireless mouse (FINE, that one was okay), t-shirts, bags. But they peaked today.

That's a real $20 bill. Hey, Microsoft, keep it coming, I have bills to pay. Actually, I'm kind of nervous to spend it. Maybe it isn't real. Maybe I'll get arrested when I use it to buy a burrito later tonight.

Can you handle this?

2008-06-06T23:38:00.003-05:00

Look, I know you don't care, but can't you just let me tell you this right now?

On the medium level of Guitar Hero 3, I've gotten 100% on the following songs:

Slow Ride
Talk Dirty to Me
Hit Me with Your Best Shot
Mississippi Queen
Sunshine of Your Love
Bulls on Parade
When You Were Young
Miss Murder
Kool Thing
Even Flow
Welcome to the Jungle
3's and 7's

And yeah, I know this means I should move up a level, but f off. Can't you give me this ONE THING?

Here's a story

2008-05-08T18:53:00.000-05:00

Did I ever tell you about the girl who told me she was going on "Depo-Primavera"? Well, there it is.

Do you want to really upset me?

2008-04-08T18:13:00.000-05:00

Okay, go like this: send me a document to proofread. Then later, send me the document again for a "final review" but make sure it doesn't include any of my original edits. It will be as though I never touched the document.

The beauty of this is I can't just send you the document with MY original changes because other people may have edited and I can't just overwrite them.

So. That's fun.

oh my god

2008-04-01T20:24:00.000-05:00

if someone else tells me they don't have the bandwidth for something i am going to cut my lungs out

Aw, Sparty.

2008-03-25T17:26:00.002-05:00

Let me show you the only good thing about Michigan State:

Go here and look at how cute Sparty is. Refresh the page a few times and look at all of his poses. That little confused Sparty (is there any other kind, though, let's be honest) shows up on every error page on msu.edu. And I love him.

Are you maybe interested in knowing what death tastes like?

2008-03-20T22:36:00.000-05:00

If you're ever entertaining the thought of trying a recipe out of Cosmopolitan, DO NOT.

I have no idea why I thought this would be okay.

roasted chicken with this sauce:
chopped white onion
chopped green olives
dijon mustard
lime juice

Maybe it was a joke recipe. Like, "Hey, guys, let's put this shit in here and see if any idiot tries it. Because who tries recipes out of COSMOPOLITAN MAGAZINE."

Maybe I'm on board now.

2008-03-19T23:56:00.000-05:00

You know the whole "I work hard so I play hard" thing? Well, whenever I think of the douchebag who says that kind of thing, I think of someone really into extreme sports. And that's it. Like the only way to play hard is to snowboard or wrestle a leopard.

Here's my thing -- can "play hard" mean drink a lot of beer and play Guitar Hero? Because I play *really* hard sometimes.

Mom, I know this is asking a lot of you, but stop texting.

2008-03-14T23:24:00.002-05:00

My mom has been having some text messaging issues, which I'm sure is killing her.

me: are your appointments scheduled for today?

mom: wyy

me: why? just wondering

mom: nalh

Then I got a call from her, explaining that she's still having problems and needs to call AT&T.

Then another text:

wrrre

I guess I just wonder why she keeps trying. It's like talking to a bullfrog.

Fun things

2008-03-12T20:10:00.000-05:00

I think it's fun to change my name to "Kwame Kilpatrick" in my mom's phone and then send her bad text messages. And have her get a little scared.

Dear Facebook: what gives?

2008-02-28T16:27:00.004-05:00

I don't understand why Facebook has to flash these ads in all my Scrabulous games against Marc:

Seriously, I never see that stupid ring in my games against anyone else. OKAY I GET IT, FACEBOOK. In your infinite creepiness, you have learned that I am almost 28 and only "in a relationship." Not engaged, not married. So not only do you throw what SEEMS TO BE AN ENGAGEMENT RING in my face, upon closer inspection, I realize you are peddling a PROMISE RING to me. Like, "Hey, there. Sorry to see that you aren't engaged or married. Have you considered a promise ring? Eh?"

It probably doesn't help that Marc's board looks like this:

Hey, it's Stacey Chigurh with her pumpkin pie haircut.

2008-02-14T23:18:00.000-05:00

Thought you might like to know that my hair looks like this right now:

Will only communicate via Facebook from now on

2008-02-08T23:31:00.000-05:00

Jonathan's apartment building had a major fire on Wednesday morning. By "major" I mean he has to find a new place to live, he hasn't been able to get back into his apartment to assess the damage, etc, etc. He's fine, but he has some work ahead of him with insurance claims and recovering whatever items he can. I'm gonna get this out of the way now: sorry, Jon, this really sucks and you know my family and I will help in whatever way we can.

Now.

I just want to say that I think it's really weird to offer condolences and support on someone’s Facebook wall.

I would say that maybe if you're kind of an acquaintance, it might be okay to post something. But, really, how about a personal message, at least? It’s just kind of bizarre to me. I guess it’s easier to make a quick post, but come ON, he was temporarily HOMELESS and potentially without any possessions. Don’t you have ONE MINUTE to send an email?

Look, that’s not to say that I would be unappreciative of the comments. I’m sure he’s very thankful for all the well wishes. But FACEBOOK?

Am I the only one who remembers this TERRIBLE VIDEO?

2008-02-07T18:14:00.000-05:00

Phil Collins - Something Happened On The Way To Heaven
Uploaded by jpdc11

I mean, WHAT IS UP WITH THE DOG?

What is wrong with me?

2008-01-31T23:52:00.001-05:00

Hi, guess how much I don't like these:

Guess how many times I've bought them:

Four

Guess how mad I am right now:

My rage blinds me

Dear boyfriends, past and current: I win. I always win.

2008-01-30T23:09:00.000-05:00

Britney Spears: crazy, gross

Mariah Carey: crazy, kind of weird

Scarlett Johansson: gross for a while, probably a liar, haha dude, still not so great as far as I'm concerned

Jessica Alba: eat it (it's unfortunate that I have nothing else, but I'll work with it)

NO MORE EMAILS PLEASE THANK YOU

2008-01-23T22:38:00.000-05:00

I tried to unsubscribe from some radio station's email list today. I clicked the link at the bottom of the message, which took me to a website that said:

You have been sent an e-mail confirming you wish to unsubscribe from this newsletter.

You must READ your e-mail and click the confirmation link in order to be removed from this list.

1) Excuse me? How about you just unsubscribe me instead of sending me ANOTHER email and then ordering me to READ it.

So I get the next email:

Dear Subscriber;
You are receiving this email because you or someone pretending to be you has requested that your email address be unsubscribed from one of our e-mail newsletter lists.

If you APPROVE this action and would like to be unsubscribed from this newsletter, you simply need to CLICK HERE or copy and paste the following link into your web browser:

If you DO NOT wish to be unsubscribed, or you feel you have received this email in error you may simply ignore and delete this email.

2) Seriously, why the urgency? It's not like I'm trying to cancel my checking account or health insurance and they want to MAKE SURE I UNDERSTAND THE CONSEQUENCES OF MY ACTIONS. I just don't want emails from your terrible radio station anymore.

So I clicked the link and received ANOTHER email:

Dear Subscriber;
You have now been unsubscribed from the following requested newsletter:

Main List

3) Well, it's about fucking time. Your ONE initial email irritated me enough to unsubscribe, so you send me TWO more to complete the process. I just can't get into this right now. I'm done. Oh, wait, I'm not. Next email:

Dear Subscriber;
You are receiving this email because you or someone pretending to be you has requested that your email address be unsubscribed from one of our e-mail newsletter lists.

If you APPROVE this action and would like to be unsubscribed from this newsletter, you simply need to CLICK HERE or copy and paste the following link into your web browser:

If you DO NOT wish to be unsubscribed, or you feel you have received this email in error you may simply ignore and delete this email.

4) I KIND OF WANT to click the link just so I can get even more enraged about this, but I'll refrain. I'm going to trust that I've been removed. But I'll have gmail eagle eyes for a while in case I get another message from them.

But the good news is that I got a totally unexpected $437 rebate check from my Liberty lease transaction and you know what I'm going to do? I don't know, actually. Maybe this is a sign that I really should have the iPhone my parents promised me and never delivered on Christmas. I need something fun, this money is burning a hole in my pocket.

Trade show fun

2008-01-22T21:11:00.000-05:00

All I've ever really wanted to do is order a martini bar for one of our trade shows. Also, I thought you'd all be interested in knowing that rental cost for a tiny, plastic wastebasket is $28.

I will celebrate MLK day by listening to Boz Scaggs who I always thought was black. Does that count?

2008-01-21T23:50:00.000-05:00

I don't understand how I can simultaneously love and loathe Boz Scaggs like I do. Because, look, I always thought he was black. When I found out he was a white dude, I felt betrayed and bewildered. Like someone yanked the rug out from under me. And so I wanted nothing to do with him anymore. But, dammit, he's like the SNEAKIEST SIREN OF MY LIFE with that voice and that sultry sound.

Witness:

I can't confirm or deny this, but maybe I watched his special yesterday for two hours.

Unforgivable and unacceptable

2008-01-21T22:17:00.000-05:00

Why is it that despite being the only car at Tim Hortons (everyone else is at home "celebrating" MLK day) you people manage to GET MY ORDER WRONG AND PUT FUCKING SUGAR IN MY COFFEE? You were waiting on NO ONE ELSE. Just me. And then, cashier lady, you're literally throwing my change and my coffee at me like, "OH, WE HAVE TO HURRY, THERE'S A HUGE LINE WAITING FOR US TO FUCK UP THEIR ORDERS." What's the rush? Quit throwing my shit at me.

I'm a reasonable woman, Tim Hortons. A simple woman. I don't get upset about much. But when I take a big drink of sweet coffee that conjures up mental images of "the milk from a goat warm with infection" (thanks, Mom), I desire one thing: bloodshed.

Here's my new car

2008-01-17T18:51:00.000-05:00

His name is Jeff Goldblum.

Juno was good with the exception of Juno

2008-01-16T19:27:00.000-05:00

I'm gonna go ahead and publicize my surely unpopular opinion on the movie Juno.

Every character except Juno: love

Juno = annoying almost beyond comprehension

Because do you HAVE TO MAKE A SMARTASS COMMENT ABOUT EVERYTHING THAT EVER HAPPENS IN YOUR ENTIRE LIFE? ALWAYS? ALWAYS SOMETHING? YOU CAN'T CALM DOWN AND BE COOL ABOUT SOMETHING FOR FIVE SECONDS? I liked her in the very beginning, and I really wanted to like her throughout the whole movie, but gd. THE COMMENTS. If I were Michael Cera, I would have told her to shut her f'ing mouth, and then I would have made out with me. Except, yeah, he's eight years younger than me, so scratch that. I hope no one called the police just now.

Uh...

2008-01-16T18:37:00.000-05:00

Anyone venture to guess why it smells like guinea pig in the office right now?

Better than roasted guinea pig, I suppose.

Real funny joke, Pandora.

2008-01-14T18:01:00.000-05:00

DON'T YOU EVER PLAY MARGARITAVILLE AGAIN.

Oh, a thousand pardons.

2008-01-13T11:12:00.001-05:00

Hi, CVS pharmacy person. Remember when I asked you to refill a prescription for me and you acted like I requested a cure for cancer? I do.

One look at you and I can't disguise

2008-01-13T10:47:00.000-05:00

I'm not gonna lie to you -- time gets away from me on Sunday mornings when Dirty Dancing is on.

Am about to block my mom's number

2007-11-27T23:58:00.000-05:00

Mom: "We're having sliders for din din tonight."

Me: "Sick, no we aren't."

Mom: "O ya u need your protein!"

Spiders are so stupid

2007-11-27T23:32:00.000-05:00

To the spider crawling around near my desk. I was trying to gently pick you up with a magazine and then take you outside. Why? I don't even know, I've never been that kind of person, so chalk it up to the holiday spirit. But then you had to be a dick and start RACING around and trying to hide and then YOU PLAYED DEAD when I touched you with the magazine. So I don't feel bad for smashing you, not at all. God forbid you act cool for five seconds.

I like it better when I can pretend I'm the only person in the office

2007-11-27T22:13:00.000-05:00

Why do people walk by my desk and throw stuff into my garbage can? Like they couldn't POSSIBLY wait to get to their own garbage can.

My first 10k was a nightmarish chain of events

2007-11-26T18:53:00.000-05:00

I ran in the Turkey Trot and it was the worst day of my life. It went something like this (please note how I would like my time adjusted):

-No bar on Wednesday
-Up at 6am on Thursday
-Eat a quarter of a breakfast bar
-Wear way too many layers
-Feel pretty good at the beginning of the 10k until friends leave me
-Slow down when I start to get sick because I am BOILING and the breakfast bar was a bad choice (-1 minute off total time)
-Get close to halfway through before puking up breakfast bar in an alley (-8 minutes off total time)
-Sloowwwwly speed back up despite bile taste in mouth (-1 minute off total time)
-Run like the fucking FLASH to make up for my little pitstop

So if you're interested in my REAL time, subtract 10 minutes from 1:10:01, which means I beat Marc by like six minutes. I have a gift, I guess, and it will get even better once I find races that let you stop halfway through and puke.

Oh, then the rest of the day? How about chills and more puking and crippledness? And only having four-inch heels to wear to Thanksgiving dinners? How about I still walk like Frankenstein, even at work today?

Probably just Jack for short

2007-11-19T18:07:00.000-05:00

Guess what -- Marc and I might get a kitten and name him Agent Jack Meower.

Harmon is 2

2007-11-12T18:41:00.000-05:00

How time flies. He used to be this little thing:

And now he's this big boy:

AND I AM GOING TO EAT HIM UP. Happy birthday, Harmie.

Barrel of monkey

2007-11-07T23:42:00.000-05:00

Me: take me on a date to slows

Marc: Now you're talking my language. When might you be available?

Marc: An eHarmony chick wrote about the last book she read: "Books make me
sleepy." I immediately signed up, paid the fee, and messaged her. We
are going to Tiki Bob's on Thursday night so I can't go out with you
then. Any other day this week will work though, just not Thursday.

I am probably going to be the best boss ever. At the very least, the most organized.

2007-11-06T19:45:00.000-05:00

Maybe I just interviewed an applicant and the interview started out like this: I thought he was coming tomorrow because I'm an idiot, so I stared at him blankly for a few seconds until it finally clicked.

Things that are really hard for me to understand

2007-11-05T20:36:00.000-05:00

Bruce Springsteen show at The Palace: not sold out

Hannah Montana show at The Palace: sold out

So.

Dad: QUIT LURKING IN ALL THE PICTURES

2007-11-05T18:43:00.000-05:00

I took pictures of Harmon over the weekend. They were really cute with the exception of MY DAD PLAYING WHERE'S WALDO (haha, thanks, Aimee) IN EVERY ONE OF THEM:

Dear goiter: I hate running so please bring your magic back to my life.

2007-10-30T17:40:00.000-05:00

I don't like running, okay? I don't see why I should have to engage in an activity that pains me its entire duration with the exception of the first, I don't know, 100 yards.

Also, dig this: I've only been running a couple miles and do you want to know how many calories I'm burning each run? Probably...five. Someone told me some bullshit about 20 minutes being the ideal time for cardio. I don't see why I can't just magically drop weight like I did last year.

(I think maybe I inflated that weight loss amount a bit last year...it was more like 15 pounds, I suppose.)

WHERE DID MY GOITER GO?

eHarmony doesn't understand us

2007-10-26T20:22:00.000-05:00

Well, Marc and I did not get matched on eHarmony and I've murdered all the girls with whom he WAS matched. I hope he wasn't too attached to the marketing/advertising girl who couldn't put together a sentence. Because she's dead now.

Last great book I read: The DaVinci Code LOL. Hey, everyone: are you shitting me? Literally everyone on that site lists that fucking book as their favorite. It's really not worth complaining about, to be honest.

This experiment is going to continue for a little while, I guess. Please know that we are quickly closing the matches we receive so people don't get super turned on by our profiles. Just kidding. But really, everyone wants to communicate with me immediately and it's kind of completely expected.

Would you like to know how I close the match? I select something nice, like "I am pursuing another relationship." Because, well, it's the truth, actually. Marc likes to choose things like "I want to pursue other matches at eharmony" (oh, REALLY?) and "Based on statements in their profile (that he didn't read), I'm not interested in this match." He is kind of a bad eHarmony user and is probably making girls cry. If I hadn't already choked the life out of them.

eHarmony don't know me

2007-10-24T20:02:00.000-05:00

Have you ever wondered if you'd be matched up with your significant other on eHarmony? The all-knowing eHarmony? With Don Knotts? I kind of want to do the free personality profile thing (to confirm that I'm impossible to be with) and see if I would be matched with Marc. And if I'm not, f you, eHarmony. Actually, it could end up being really terrible and maybe I'd constantly invoke our non-matching status in arguments.

Marc, hope you have a free hour or two tonight. It's time for some matchmaking. Also: time for me to make fun of all the skanks with whom you'll be matched.

Read receipts scare me so, so much.

2007-10-24T18:26:00.000-05:00

Do you know I've only recently stopped sending read receipts to people? Because I thought they could tell that I didn't send them? And maybe I'd be in trouble with some sales list guy from Boise because I didn't send him a read receipt?

To be honest, I'm still a little nervous. WHAT IF THEY CAN SEE?

Never running again

2007-10-22T18:05:00.000-05:00

I ran two miles just now -- would you like to know my reward? Getting home to find that I grabbed the wrong set of keys and I'm locked out of my apartment. I knocked on my neighbor's door but she wasn't home. I knocked on the next door and then booked it because I haven't officially met her yet, so it would be weird to borrow her cell phone.

SO THEN I HAD TO WALK TO MY FRIEND'S HOUSE. It's only a 1/4 mile away, but still. I called my sister, she had to pick me up, I'm an idiot.

The good news is that I ran two miles without vomiting all over myself.

I need supervision during lunchtime internets

2007-10-17T20:27:00.000-05:00

I ate cottage cheese for lunch today while playing around on the internets. I ate about 1/3 of the container and started getting sick to my stomach, so I told myself to STOP. But I made the mistake of continuing to internet, so I'd zone out for a few minutes only to wake up and realize I had shoved another bite of cottage cheese into my maw. Then I would get sick, tell myself to STOP, back to internet, then, what do you know, more cottage cheese in mouth.

This went on for a half hour. By the time I put the top back on the cottage cheese and took it to the kitchen, there were probably a few bites left in the container.

The power of the internet. And my laziness. And love for cottage cheese (she understands, believe me).

Okay, I get it, Richard.

2007-10-16T18:35:00.000-05:00

I just sent an email blast to every person in our contact database and one guy sent back twelve opt-out emails. I really want to send HIM an opt-out email because, uh, you just sent me twelve times the amount of email I sent you. I'd prefer to never hear from you again.

Why are bad things always happening to me?

2007-10-12T06:52:00.000-05:00

Uh...my work IP address used to be masked and now it isn't. I don't know for how long either. F this s, now I can't skulk around anonymously.

It's actually a little funny because I was checking my stats, noticed a hit from my company and flllliiiiiiipppped out until I realized it was me.

Not that I'd REALLY care if a coworker saw it, I don't really write about work ever. It would just be weird.

Oh yeah? What did YOU do today? Nothing I bet.

2007-10-10T20:57:00.000-05:00

This is what I did with my life when I got home from work today:

1) more bs work stuff
2) ran about 2.5 miles
3) ate cottage cheese and a granny smith apple
4) researched and applied to SEVEN JOBS -- and I'm not talking about the one-click application on Monster
5) washed dishes
6) walked to Rite Aid to buy a couple items

All before 10pm. If you aren't impressed, you obviously have no idea how lazy I can be. There are days when I get home, sit on the couch with my laptop, and maybe I don't take off my sunglasses or work clothes for several, several hours.

Interests: Springsteen and cottage cheese

2007-10-10T19:33:00.000-05:00

I'm going to the Springsteen concert because he's been performing "Thundercrack" and that is BIG NEWS. F you if you don't get it.

Also: I don't think any of you can fully understand how much I love cottage cheese. Like. I could probably eat it for every meal. For a long time.

Sometimes I'm stupid

2007-10-10T07:57:00.000-05:00

One time I got mad at the saying:

A friend in need is a friend indeed.

Because, uh, what makes a needy friend such a great friend? You're calling me all hours of the night because you're upset about god knows what and I'm supposed to be happy about that and reflect on what a great friend you are? No way. You're kind of a bad friend, actually.

Then Joey explained to me that it really means someone who is a friend when I'M in need is indeed my friend. Now that I can get on board with.

My afternoon

2007-10-04T18:30:00.000-05:00

Harmon is a Kobra Kai

2007-10-01T17:32:00.000-05:00

Be honest: that last picture made you think of this, didn't it?

"Cornered Skeleton" by my sister

2007-09-30T13:14:00.000-05:00

I WANT MY MONEY

2007-09-28T18:39:00.000-05:00

I know companies set up payment due dates at the beginning, middle, and end of the month to coincide with payday, but that doesn't stop me from getting pissed when I see a big deposit immediately followed by like seven withdrawals. I mean JESUS, Chrysler, Bank of America, student loan people, etc. Can you keep your hands off my shit for like TWO SECONDS so I can BUY something FOR ONCE? Hold your fucking horses.

Everyone wants to be Team Zissou

2007-09-28T07:27:00.000-05:00

Isn't this funny?

Do you know how many hits I get every day from people looking for the Team Zissou costume? Something like 30-40. The only thing that annoys me is that I'm not in the pictures and the costume was MY IDEA.

I tried to talk my sister into dressing Harmon as a member of Team Zissou for Halloween but she didn't bite.

Maybe I'll feel better if I can show you our version of Team Zissou from last Halloween.

Bonus: click on it to see the animated gif.

(I need to get over this, I think I have like six posts about it.)

So...

2007-09-24T18:48:00.000-05:00

I can't wait to see the vehicles produced by a workforce making $9/hour.

Let's get it straight, though, I'm really not a health-conscious kind of person.

2007-09-24T06:31:00.000-05:00

I bought some fish oil gelcaps because I'm disgusting. I was in the store looking at all the different bottles and noticed that one of them said "No fish burps!"

Um. Sick.

But the story gets better. Because maybe I thought they meant that the burps of fish
were not included in the fish oil gelcaps. Good, I thought. I don't need those nasty
fish BURPING into my fish oil. They can keep that shit to themselves. Really, I didn't even know fish burped in the first place, but whatever.

My family let me know what you all already know: they meant that MY burps wouldn't taste
like fish. I can sometimes be such a huge, huge dumbass.

(Personally, I think they should have written "No fishy burps!")

Also, I started running a tiny, tiny bit. I was talking to my co-worker this morning
who lives just down the street from me and told her that I was running around the
neighborhood. She asked if I had gone out over the weekend and, when I said I had, she
asked if I had seen the big dumpster in her driveway. I said no, and she seemed surprised
because, really, how do I miss a huge dumpster in someone's driveway? I really hadn't seen
it, though! I realize now that it SOUNDS like I lied about running. Which is kind of pathetic
because why would she care if I ran over the weekend?

I DID RUN.

So then I told her, "Oh, I must have just been in a zone." Uh, no I wasn't. I don't get in
zones because I run hardly ever. I'm also too concerned with making sure people don't see me
slowing down and think, "GOD, she just started running and she already can't keep up the
pace. Idiot."

I like to end my runs by racing down my street as fast as I can so people think someone is
chasing me.

I'm an idiot

2007-08-31T08:07:00.000-05:00

Old Navy cashier: "Did you find everything okay? Did you end up buying more than you had planned on?"

Me: "Yeah, kind of."

Old Navy cashier: "It's like me at Kroger! I always buy way too much, I don't know what to do."

Me: "Maybe they need to start limiting you to just 12 items per visit or something like that."

Old Navy cashier: "Oh, no. I'd still find a way. I'd still leave with way too much."

Me: "Haha, even if it means going to jail, huh?"

This may come as a surprise to you, but she didn't laugh. I guess I just don't understand why I would say something like that.

My mom is especially funny over text message and it's weird

2007-08-29T18:45:00.000-05:00

More text messaging fun with my mom re: students moving in at UM.

Mom: hi stacey. on the way to jumble java, i started crying. the kids are moving in today and i saw a dad hugging his daughter goodbye and i lost it. that feeling never goes away. :( mom

Me: don't be gay, mom

Mom: i hope i live long enough to see you experience the same feeling. and i'm not gay.

Me: well at the rate i'm going, i doubt you'll be around to see my kids go to college. even if i do have some, they'll have three heads because i won't have them until i'm 50.

Mom: well then it will be three times as hard to say goodbye.

Update

Me: i'm putting this conversation on my website right now

Mom: if you're going to use my material, i demand some kind of compensation

Mom: now get back to work, tig

I love Tim Hortons way more than they love me.

2007-08-23T08:00:00.000-05:00

Earlier today:

Me: "Can I have a chocolate chip muffin?"

Tim Hortons: "I'm sorry, we're out of them."

Me: "You've been out of them the last three times I've been here (in the past few months, but they don't need to know that). Have you taken them off your menu?"

Tim Hortons: "No, I'm sorry, we just don't have them right now."

Me: "Okay. May I have a banana muffin then?"

Tim Hortons: "Sorry, we're out of those, too.

Me: "Fruit explosion?"

Tim Hortons: "We just ran out of those."

Me: "You're aware it's before 8:00am? I mean...this is just beyond ridiculous."

Then I tore off before they could spit in my coffee.

I really stuck it to them, didn't I? There's a new sheriff in town.

______________________

Oh, I've got a present for you.

music's got me feelin' so free
we're gonna celebrate
celebrate and dance so free
one more time…

Now you won't be able to get it out of your head for the rest of the day. Sorry. But it's only fair since it's been in my head SINCE I SAW THEM AT LOLLAPALOOZA A HUNDRED YEARS AGO.

Hey, this guy hates people with disabilities.

2007-08-13T08:02:00.000-05:00

My sister is working on a Ford sponsored mobility guide for people with disabilities in Florida. She has been contacting organizations throughout the state to ask if they would like their logo, contact info, mission statement, etc. listed in the guide. At absolutely no cost to them. Attached to the email is the electronic copy of the Michigan version of the guide.

This is how one dickface responded:

We do not give you permission to use our logo, mission statement and program listing to promote Ford products.

Seriously, why are people incapable of reading an email? She must have mentioned "valuable resource to people with disabilities" like four times. AND ATTACHED A COPY OF THE MICHIGAN GUIDE. I advised her to just forget it. Because it's going to be funny when this guide gets distributed and everyone in his organization wants to know why THEY aren't listed. And he'll say, "Hmm, I'm not sure, let me check into that. No, wait! I remember now...it's because I have shit for brains and I hate crippleds."

Picture this: a butterfly with a Tiger face inside. Huh? HUH?

2007-08-13T07:38:00.000-05:00

I went to Lollapalooza and it was fun and blah blah I don't feel like doing a recap but here is the worst part of the weekend.

What kind of meeting is THIS?

2007-08-13T06:34:00.000-05:00

I'm trying to create an invitation to a user group meeting, and thought I'd use this image:

Come to our user group meeting. We have whores.

My mom loves text messaging

2007-08-10T07:28:00.000-05:00

Teaching my mom how to send text messages may have been one of the worst mistakes of my life (other big mistake = using the word “butch” around her):

Hi Stacey, a package came for you today. Talk to you later butch. :-D love mom

She's getting a little too proficient, to be honest. Also, if she doesn't call me butch a hundred times a day, she doesn't call me butch once.

I kill bugs. It's what I do. Get over it.

2007-08-09T07:09:00.000-05:00

Dear everyone (but usually females):

If you're going to scream about some bug in your personal space, and beg me to do something about it, YOU DON'T GET TO DECIDE HOW I TERMINATE. Do you realize how ridiculous it is to flip out about a moth and then whimper that I should catch it, lull it to sleep with a song, tuck it gently into a makeshift tissue bed, and take it over to the humane society?

Really. If you want me to get the bug, I'ma kill it. It's my prerogative.

He may look happy, but he's not. Unfortunately, he was a formula-fed baby.

2007-08-02T08:03:00.000-05:00

I am going to bite his cheeks right off.

Formula is for WINNERS

2007-08-02T06:31:00.000-05:00

This whole breastfeeding debate gets COMPLETELY OUT OF HAND.

But it gets especially ridiculous when dumbfucks like "Jen" say:

"Now, now, you formula feeders aren’t monsters. You areAmericans with the freedom to choose. And when your child is diagnosed with ADHD, you can ‘choose’ which tranquilizer to give him then sit him back in front of the television with his Oreo, Playtex sippie cup full of rBGH cow’s milk, and a Pull Up training pant."

Dear Jen: you're a c. I don't normally say such things, but you are. I would wish something terrible on your kids, but they're unfortunate enough to have you as a mom.

Good luck raising your little assholes. Also: GO. FUCK. YOURSELF.

I fly off the handle

2007-07-27T13:56:00.000-05:00

Things get ugly between me and ginger tig re: her approval of Jessica Alba for Team Ginge.

Erin: oh whatever
i have a fe crush on her

me: i know, i like her, too

Erin: i was just looking for someone pretty with red hair

me: but THAT'S NOT FAIR
you know
you people are shysters
this purist attitude when it comes to ME being on an ADVISORY COMMITTEE
but she colors her hair for a day
and now she's on the team
this is getting ri-goddamn-diculous

Deathcat 3000

2007-07-27T07:15:00.000-05:00

This cat seriously better keep its distance from me if I'm ever in a nursing home. If that thing tries to come in for a cuddle, I will KICK IT UPSIDE DOWN.

This reminds me of the calendar of death. My mom works at a nursing home that puts out a calendar every year, but there's one catch: everyone in the calendar dies. I guess that isn't a catch, really, and maybe not every single person in the calendar dies. But I was flipping through each month with my mom while she kept saying, "Dead...dead...dead...she's almost dead...dead...dead."

My point is this: the deathcat and calendar of death are bad news.

Dear Wolfgang: I'm lookin' and I'm LIKIN'

2007-07-26T07:46:00.000-05:00

I mean, I'm probably going to sleep with him. I don't think I could stop it even if I wanted to.

More:

Aimee: They should do an Ask Dr. Z-type ad campaign with him!

me: from my bed

Also:

This. Hint: comments, tig

The Sims is always DEAD ON

2007-07-26T06:10:00.000-05:00

A chat with little tig (as in little Erin G.)

Erin: i think you should bring your sims game over sometime...i really want to play

me: i thought you had it!
haha i saw a comment from darren about marc's next door neighbors
so i figured you had made marc and built him a house on brokeback mountain

Erin: haha i have it but it is the old version and we must have gotten rid of our 'hot date' and 'house party' add ons
i did make you guys
you keep getting your babies taken away by the authorities

Good decision-making in the workplace

2007-07-24T06:03:00.000-05:00

Bring into a meeting with two bosses a travel mug with a picture of Marc on it. Not just any picture of Marc, though -- make sure he's shirtless and drinking a beer.

Springsteen owns the guitar

2007-07-13T06:34:00.000-05:00

Probably like two of you will actually watch this. YOUR LOSS. Why does everyone hate him so much? You guys are losers.

BY GOD I BETTER BE REWARDED FOR MY PUZZLE SKILLS

2007-07-11T19:38:00.000-05:00

Remember when I was really good at that DaVinci Code game, probably better than everyone, but those bigots didn't let me make it to the next round? Well, I've decided to set myself up for more disappointment by participating in the puzzles for this movie that you maybe saw the trailer for at the Transformers movie. I didn't see that movie, and I probably won't, as this guy decided it retroactively ruined his childhood.

But back to those puzzles. I'm done with them and I got the code, and when I return to the website on August 1 and plug in that code, I BETTER WIN SOMETHING or I'm gonna get really bent out of shape.

Free food with annoyances

2007-07-11T18:00:00.000-05:00

When I dropped my business card in the container at Chipotle, I didn't really imagine I'd win. Thinking about it now, you'd probably figure I'd get a free burrito, and that sounds kind of awesome. Ashley called me today to let me know I'd won, and I was a LITTLE BIT EXCITED about it, because I have no money and another free meal today means someone is looking out for me. Then she asked how many people were in my office, and when I told her 16, she said she could provide lunch for all of them. So that's nice, right?

Except. I have to bring everyone to Chipotle for the free lunch so they can "get a feel for the restaurant." (Keep in mind I'm not making fun of Ashley, I know she was just doing her job.) When I told her I doubted I could get everyone over there at one time, she said we could come in shifts. I'm wondering if the shifts could work like this:

Shift 1: me
Shift 2: I don't care

It's not that I don't like my co-workers. I do. I just don't want to break bread with them. That chicken burrito can be difficult to eat, and maybe I want to refill my Diet Coke ten times. Whatever.

I was trying to think of a way around this and told Ashley I'd get back to her with a date and time. I don't know what to do. Can't she just give me lunch? I should have just told her there were only two people in my office so Marc and I could go.

I don't REALLY hate people so much

2007-07-11T07:45:00.000-05:00

This morning I was stressing out about some credit card balances. One in particular had been creeping up on me a bit, and I realized that I really need to be more financially disciplined. At the very least, this means not going out to eat (or to the bar I GUESS) so much, which is fine, but it's also a little depressing because I didn't really think I'd be worrying about money at 27. I didn't assume I'd be rolling in it, but I didn't think I'd be using phrases like "financially disciplined" especially since I've never had to worry about money before.

Hence the credit card balances?

Anyway, I was kind of blue coming in because I knew Tim Hortons was out of the question and I hadn't really packed a lunch (I have some pretzels in my car, though, and those will have to do). And my mind was running through the possibilities of where I could cut my spending, and it was annoying and a little stressful.

Then my co-worker surprised me with breakfast from McDonald's. And I was almost moved to tears.

I'm not even trying to be funny by saying that. It obviously wasn't the breakfast burrito that raised my spirits. This kind of thing always happens, you know? You get down and stressed and so focused on your little problems, and someone picks you up -- a family member, a friend, or a co-worker you aren't particularly close to. You can't imagine how much better I'm feeling about my situation right now, and all it took was breakfast from McDonald's. People are seriously so nice sometimes, it makes me want to put my hands up and sway on a mountaintop.

(Whoa, maybe I'm back to Jesus. Not that I was ever away, I guess.)

(Mom, I'm not really struggling, I just want to pay off some f'ing bills and get them out of my life so I can like eventually buy a house or something.)

Dear molar: what gives?

2007-07-06T19:35:00.000-05:00

Guess I'll start from the beginning, although it pains me to do so. I got a root canal on my back molar back in 2005, lost a piece of tooth between the first and second part of the procedure, then it turned into a four-step process. Four visits.

For a year, my tooth would THROB UNCONTROLLABLY every couple weeks. I didn't know why, but since I was uninsured, I just dealt with it. I finally called my dentist one day and he said to come in so he could check the bite and, surprise, the bite was off. So he fixed it and sent me on my way. The pain was a little more bearable, but whatever.

Then last month (about two years after getting the permanent crown), it just fell out. So I went back, got a temporary.

Temporary fell out.

Got another temporary.

Had to postpone my appointment to get the permanent twice. My dog had to be put to sleep, what do you want from me?

Today at lunch: temporary out again. And you know what? The cement stinks. A lot. It smells like nursing home.

I bought some fixodent at lunch and did my best, but the temp won't stick. My appointment isn't until next Thursday, so I have to go in tomorrow morning to get another temporary. With the same dentist who did it last time. And maybe he's going to yell at me, but if he does, I'll tell him about my dog and then he'll be sorry.

WHAT IS WITH THIS TOOTH? It is made of cobwebs.

Harmon's new swimsuit

2007-07-05T19:13:00.001-05:00

The future me loves Cheez-it, I just know it.

2007-07-05T19:13:00.000-05:00

I will never get tired of Cheez-it. Ever. I don't think any of you have the capacity to understand my love for Cheez-it. You probably never will.

Oh, hey, remember when I sent emails to my future self? Here's some advice: go ahead and send an email to yourself, send a hundred, no big deal. But don't send emails to current significant others. Especially not emails that will be delivered in twenty years. It's just...gonna be bad. Probably.

(Jon, you don't get to make fun when you get the email in 2024. Maybe I'll be dead by then. And THEN you'll feel bad.)

You can still do it. But probably don't.

I guess the background here is that she is Marc's #1 so imagine how I feel right now

2007-07-03T06:55:00.000-05:00

I found this and tried to think about how this day could get any better, but I came up with nothing.

(Either it's not her or tomorrow she'll go back to looking like the girl my boyfriend does google searches on every five minutes.)

Things that are kind of funny

2007-06-29T18:44:00.000-05:00

A family member bragging about her kid's SAT score of 1500 until I slap her in the face with the truth (via my mom): it's out of 2400 now.

I know THAT'S right.

Montgomery Sir Harrison 10/3/92 - 6/27/07

2007-06-28T15:05:00.000-05:00

This is the last picture I took of Montgomery before we had to put him down yesterday.

A puppy face, even at 14 ½ years old. And still gazing adoringly at us, even with hazy eyesight.

Gum, there are lots of things I am going to miss about you, too numerous to list here. I could tell a lot of funny stories and describe your many quirks, but I think it’s best to leave it at this: our love for you is exceeded only by your capacity for kindness and the size of your heart. That heart embraced us fiercely since the day you met us. For this, and for everything you’ve been to each of us, we will never forget you.

Jessica Biel is Erin's Tig

2007-06-21T08:00:00.000-05:00

Let’s bother my sister again:

Me: her dress sucks here

Erin: wait wait wait wait wait wait wait

that's not fucking jessica biel again, is it?

....

you know

I'm tired of this crap.

you're an asshole

My sister and Jessica Biel are probably almost best friends

2007-06-21T06:35:00.000-05:00

I just sent my sister this story about Jessica Biel in GQ and immediately opened a new post on blogger because I knew something spectacularly dramatic was about to happen. She didn't disappoint – she never does when it comes to Jessica Biel.

Erin: I just don't know why you insist on making me so so unhappy in my quest for some semblance of happiness

me: how about you say she has a horse face?

Erin: her face is nothing but a GIANT MESS

if her role in every movie was replaced by an old bum off the street, no one would even think anything was out of place

I KNOW she has AIDS

me: i think she's actually a dude. with that butch voice of hers. and look, i know no one cares, but she's just a terrible actress

she was terrible in the illusionist

Erin: I just remember that EMBARRASSING part on Blade Trinity when she was uploading songs to her ipod before she killed vampires

immediately threw out my ipod

and I think I slept for a solid week

she's a fucking HORRIBLE actress

on 7th heaven, if mary would have played me one-on-one in basketball, she would have gone home CRYING to her father. And then she would have come back to the court with all 56 of her family members and it would have been 56 on ONE and I still would have OWNED.

that whole family is nothing but a bunch of losers

The worst keynote address ever

2007-06-21T05:54:00.000-05:00

I was looking through the keynote topics for a convention my company might attend and found this:

The Power of Transformational Change

The year is 1997. A small town in central Texas awakens to a lovely morning. Before the sun goes down their community will be devastated by a powerful F-5 tornado. The town of Jarrell would never be the same.That same year a technology Tornado was touching down in America. The American marketplace would never be the same. Whether it is an F-5 tornado or a technology revolution, one thing that does not change is the need to have meaningful relationships with other people.

What does that even MEAN? Who wrote this?

Kelly Ripa: you're a gd loser and I hate you and everyone

2007-06-20T20:42:00.000-05:00

And then I was watching 50 Funniest Women Alive on that terrible Oxygen channel and would you like to know who #6 is? Would you? KELLY FUCKING RIPA.

I'm so upset right now that there is tingling from my chest to my back. And up to my neck. And maybe I'm having a heart attack or an aneurysm and I have Oxygen to thank for this.

But then I saw this (it's kind of slow, sorry, deal):

And I laughed a little. But then I remembered that some kind of idiots ranked KELLY RIPA AS THE 6TH FUNNIEST WOMAN ALIVE and I got really depressed and ate about two pounds of chocolate covered raisins.

SO GREEDY

2007-06-19T06:59:00.000-05:00

Hey, co-workers who swarm the cream like locusts: STOP IT. Other people like cream in their coffee, too.

You're either with breast cancer or against it.

2007-06-15T19:47:00.000-05:00

HEY. My friend Kristina is doing the The Breast Cancer 3-Day walk. She's totally punching breast cancer in the face while I sit here eating M&Ms and playing on the internet. I bet you're doing the same thing.

But it's okay, because we can donate, at least.

I hate lunch

2007-06-15T06:32:00.000-05:00

Why I hate going out to get lunch when my boss says he'll pay for it:

1) EVERYTHING IS BUSY AND I END UP WAITING IN LINE FOR ABOUT TWENTY MINUTES.

2) I kind of have bad luck every single time. Either they didn't get the order I called in or the fountain drink machine isn't working or SOMEONE DOESN'T PRESS THE TOP DOWN ON ONE OF THE CUPS AND, WHILE I'M JUGGLING EVERYTHING THEY'RE THROWING AT ME, I PUT THAT CUP BETWEEN MY KNEES FOR A SECOND AND AS I DRIVE AWAY, POP SLOSHES BACK ONTO MY SEAT AND DIRECTLY INTO MY CROTCH AREA.

But here's the thing: I'm driving. What can I do? I try to find the closest parking lot in which to clean up and it takes me about five minutes. During these five minutes, I feel my pants soaking and soaking and soaking up the pop.

So let me ask: what would you do?

Really. It looked like I had wet myself. I tried to soak it up with napkins, I tried to turn the heater way up and aim it directly on my pants...nothing. I tore through my car for another pair of jeans (uh, right) and found nothing besides a beige jacket that I had to tie around my waist (nice) as I lugged all the bags into the office. I told my boss NO DEAL ANYMORE, I'm not going out to get lunch, I don't care if you pay. He said he would run out to get it next time, and you know what will probably happen before then? We'll magically grow a food court in our foyer.

Justin is my Tiger. Well, he used to be.

2007-06-13T06:11:00.000-05:00

Dear Justin,

Congratulations on a fantastic f'ing game. You were throwing some pretty nasty stuff in the ninth and it was fun to watch. It was great to see you and the team having so much fun celebrating your dominating performance. One thing stuck out, though – your dumb girlfriend coming on the field to kiss you.

Justin, baby, I would never do that to you. I would keep my ass in the seat, where I belong, because guess how much I would have to do with your no-hitter? Nothing. Zero. SIT DOWN AND ZIP IT.

Love,
Stacey

Quit calling me

2007-06-12T18:13:00.000-05:00

I really, really, really hate fielding calls from sales representatives. I especially hate it when I have to delicately ask HOW MUCH IS THIS GOING TO COST US BECAUSE I KNOW IT ISN'T FREE. I've gotten a little bit better at sounding like I know what I'm talking about and being firm with these clowns. Not as good as my boss, though, who takes calls from sales reps and probably ends up selling our software to them during the call.

This is my nephew, Merlin.

2007-06-11T07:51:00.000-05:00

Priests are SOMETIMES cool, but not often.

2007-06-11T06:40:00.000-05:00

I was just about to start this with “Did I ever tell you about…” but then I realized I started an entry like that a few days ago and I’d rather not turn this blog into something an old grandpa might write.

I just thought about this old (80+ I think) priest who used to visit my school to celebrate mass. I believe he had officially retired and lived in a facility with other clergy members not too far away from my school. This was the only priest I ever went to confession with, mostly because he didn’t seem to judge or get too preachy, but also because his voice was mellifluous and it made confession a pretty peaceful experience. Also, I’d get away with only saying a Hail Mary or two and promising to be nice to my sisters.

Anyway, he was awesome. And brilliant. When I confided that I teased people too much, he told me how he used to do it all the time when he was younger. He felt it was because he was so smart, so it was difficult for him to really understand or relate to other people. He confirmed that this must also be the case with me, which, as you can imagine, was right up my alley. I guess except for the social outcast part he implied.

Also, he was really funny when I assisted him as an altar server. (What? I was like really into being Catholic before, okay?)

Also, his license plate said 007.

I was a backup singer for George Benson once

2007-06-08T18:28:00.000-05:00

Here's the thing: I love George Benson. When Marc and I went to Einstein Brothers a couple weeks ago, "Lady Love Me One More Time" came on and people were getting DOWN. Three kids behind the counter were either humming, singing or dancing along. One guy remarked on his way out, "I LOVE this song. It's one of my all-time favorites." And then some other broad sang a line on her way out.

I was busy literally rolling around on the ground with glee.

Maybe none of you even know who I'm talking about. Except Joey and my sisters, probably.

Except. Well, it looks like George Benson morphed into Apollo Creed/Luther Vandross/Taye Diggs.

I don't really let things go. Sorry, Mrs. Simons.

2007-06-07T07:45:00.000-05:00

Did I ever tell you about my elementary school teachers? And how they all sucked because they obviously favored the boys over the girls? It was kind of like they weren't very cool when they were young (not that I was, let's get that straight) and none of the boys really liked them, but they were still trying to desparately gain their favor? Theory. And, if correct, and it probably is: pathetic.

I don't know WHY this particular example always gets stuck in my craw, but dig it. I was in fourth grade and arguing with my friend about how to spell "dumb." He said "dum" and, because I'm not an idiot, I said "dumb." We bet five dollars and took our case to the teacher (who, by the way, was the absolute WORST and made me HATE school -- really, I adored school until I hit fourth grade) (also, I guess no dictionaries were available?).

"Mrs. Simons, will you tell her that dumb is spelled D-U-M? She won't believe me."

"Oh, um...you kids go sit down now. I don't want to get into this."

"But just tell me if I have it right!"

"No, no. Go back to your desks, it's almost time for lunch."

Bitch.

I know THAT'S right

2007-06-06T06:02:00.000-05:00

Louisa and Phil got engaged on Friday night. I feel like I got engaged, kind of.

Look how cute they are. This picture was taken in spring 2003 -- I believe the weekend most of us left Ann Arbor.

I've had the speech mostly written for about a year. That's right, you clowns. I'M the maid of honor. SHE'S ONLY KEEN ON ME.

Congratulations, kids. I'm going to get so trashed at your wedding.

Dying a hundred times

2007-05-31T18:52:00.000-05:00

My sister says Harmon

would put this baby turtle

in his shape sorter

I love getting my sister riled up

2007-05-31T00:25:00.000-05:00

An email to my sister:

http://www.wwtdd.com/post.phtml?pk=2356

Like she didn't walk out with her makeup COMPLETELY on and then act like she just got out of the shower. PLEASE. "Oh, don't take a picture of me. I'm a mess!" Fuck you, Jessica Biel. And Scarlett Johansson.

Her reply over Google chat:

Erin: thanks for personally making my day fucking terrible
me: oh my god
Erin: If never seeing jessica biel again (or having her killed off) means I'd have to work here for another solid year...consider it DONE.
me: come ON
Erin: well, maybe a couple weeks
but that's it
I fucking hate Chris
I don't wanna get married if he likes that hot mess
and she SO put on he fucking makeup when she got out of the shower
gimme a break
GOd
I am leaving
I need to do work
and I hate you and Chris today
me: baby
Sent at 1:29 PM on Thursday
Erin's new status message - I hate you, Jessica Biel. More than anyone I've ever known. 1:30 PM